Eyes Wide…..Shut

So, remember how I realized how ungrateful I am? Yes, weird to admit but I can truly say I am….womp womp.

I do not say this or confess this lightly. Realizing I am ungrateful really sucks, especially since that’s how this all started. How what all started you ask? Welp….how the beginning of my journey started. Remember the high school sweetheart I told you about? Well, he was probably the first one to open my eyes a little. Two days before he left me, we were shopping for new furniture and decor for our home (we finally had some extra money as we were always broke). We had a friend who for privacy purposes we will change her name to Alice, Alice was living with a boyfriend who we will call Tony. Tony and Alice had just bought an enormous house with brand new furniture and all the upgrades. They told us about how they had put a down payment on their house of $20,000.00 and that they would probably be dipping into the same savings account to put another $15,000.00 for a down payment on a pool in the backyard. I asked my friend Alice, “you just have thousands and thousands of dollars like that in your savings account?!” We were in our early 20’s for crying out loud! She looked at me like I was the strange one, “yes…?” she replied.

Remembering that conversation with Alice while at Target with my husband, I felt angry as we were on a tight budget to buy new furniture. There was so much I wanted that I couldn’t have. I kept thinking, “Why don’t we have a lot of money? We work hard. This isn’t fair!”

I eyeballed a chair I wanted to take home but couldn’t, out of anger and frustration I snarled, “If we were Alice and Tony we would be able to take this chair home. Must be nice to be them.” Guys- this wasn’t the first time I had made a comment like this, I constantly made snarky comments like this at my husband, not realizing that it was hurting him. Not realizing that I couldn’t see what I had right in front of me. His response each time would be something consoling, “it’s OK babe, we will get there one day.” Not this time. Nope.

“No Ericka, open your eyes, it’s nice to be us.” I quickly looked at him and realized he was upset, I realized I was being a brat, an ungrateful, unappreciative, brat. I stayed quiet a moment, “You’re right, I’m sorry”. It was at that moment I knew something had to change, but I wasn’t really sure if it was me or something else. But I knew I felt sorry. I also had no idea what would happen two days later. I would be left alone. No husband, more than half my income taken from me, death of my husband’s love for me, and a time frame to leave my home.

Months later I was living back at my parents, found out my husband was having a baby with someone else, and divorce papers were served to me. You would think my losses would have humbled me down wouldn’t you? Nope, they didn’t.

Sure, some who have heard my story can only look at the pain I went through and would try to justify it all out of love for me. Yes I went through a lot of pain, but is there not a point where we stop licking our wounds? Can we keep feeling pain and possibly “never get over something”? Sure we can, no one can tell you when to heal or how long you’re allowed to grieve. No one.

However, there is something to learn through your pain. Learning from a loss is not a loss. Unfortunately, I am barely learning from my losses (4 1/2 years later). Why? I was given something recently that overwhelmed me. What was it? I received something great from complete strangers…..

Tune in again to find out what…..

 

 

 

 

 

Author: sheseemstoopuretobepink

Single momma, first grade drama, and Jesus.

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