Three, six, nine

I am 29  years old. The last year of my twenties is about to be up, in exactly two months I will be 30. Is anyone else freaked out about that, leaving their twenties?

Actually, I have been told by quite a few 30 and overs that hitting their 30’s was actually great! Once they hit 30, it was as if they received some type of clarity about who they are. My questions are….. what if you still have no idea who you are when you reach 30? And why do many of us have some sort of anxiety about turning 30 anyway?

Is it because we think we’re supposed to have reached some sort of goal by 30? Be married, have kids, have our dream career? What is it!?

What if we didn’t need to have it all figured out? What if we still had no idea who we were? What if we were still without kids, without finding a forever spouse? What if we just started college at 30? What if we were completely single and still a virgin? What if we completely do not have anything figured out but at all!?

As I am getting older, divorced and still single, something that is often asked of me, “why aren’t you dating?” My answer is always simply that I am not interested. Then I am asked, “well, are you having sex?” and my answer has been for almost 4 years, no. Yes it’s true! Usually, that surprises people. It’s not really popular to not be sexually active. It’s also a bit strange to not be dating. Single, almost 30, and not even trying to date. Why aren’t I interested?

There are so many people who spend so many years of their lives looking for the life altering love. A love that pierces through them, a love that they can feel through their veins, pulsating within their bodies. A connection that is natural, that feeds and quenches you.

I remember being in high school when I fell in love. I admit, it was not the most healthy love as being apart from each other created some unreal withdrawals. None of the less, I was in love. I had found a best friend, a soul mate, someone who completely understood my worries, my dreams, my fears; I didn’t feel alone anymore as I always did growing up. He was now there.

Both our parents believed we were too young to be so serious about one another, and actually so did our friends. We became married at 20 years old and my friends asked me if I was sure? I was, I completely was.

The day of our wedding I was nervous, scared, a little edgy…. not because I wasn’t sure, not because I did not love him, but because oh heck, I’m just an anxious person. Unfortunately, I was under the impression that everything was meant to be perfect, I turned into a crazy bride that wanted perfection- my bridesmaids can attest to that…you know who you are- sorry ladies! But when I walked down the aisle March 6, 2009 and my eyes locked with his, smile met his, everything else stopped. Worries were gone, anxiety was gone, edge was gone, fear was gone. It was just him, me and him. He was my calm.

I met him at the alter, where my dad handed off and entrusted his youngest daughter to this boy who he had known since he was 15, a boy who was becoming the husband of his little girl. A boy whom he had viewed as a son he never had. We were becoming husband and wife. IMG_2643

Now, I have to be honest, I cannot remember at all what my vows were to him, I do not know what I did with that sheet of paper. Conveniently enough, I remember his- I have them pierced if not in my brain….in my heart. Sadly, this love of my life and I…we broke them, we broke our vows. One sentence I will share; “There is no obstacle big enough to challenge our love.” Love.

I have come to the conclusion that most of us believe love fades away. Does it? Does love fade away? What if what we felt for someone wasn’t really love after all? What if love never ended? What if love in fact was eternal? What if love was something that none of us really knew the definition of. What if love was something bigger than what we know….what we experience….what we feel. What if love wasn’t a feeling at all?

Strangely, when you’re in love, that piercing quenching feeling of passion….of “can’t live without you” ‘love’…..you seem to believe it will always feel that way. That love shouldn’t be work. Love should be easy. Is that love? Should love be easy? I became hard to love. He became hard to love. I think at some point, we all become hard to love.

So what does this all have to do with finding yourself? With becoming 30 and knowing who you are? What does it have to do with dating and not having sex? Everything. At least for me it does.

I am young. As much as I like to believe that I am getting so old (eye roll from wiser ladies) I am aware that I am young, young enough to “still have time to find someone else”. But I don’t want to. My biggest mistake when I fell in love with someone else, when marrying someone else was not that I was young, it was that I did not know who I was nor did I love myself. How could I love someone when I did not know what it meant to love someone? Especially when I did not know what it meant to love myself? You cannot give away what you do not have.

So to answer the question, I am learning to love myself.  Remember how I stated that when he came around I was no longer alone? Well…right there…..that was the problem! Another person cannot cure you of loneliness….you have to fix that within yourself. Within your faith. Aren’t we meant to share ourselves with someone because of something we can give….and not just take?

I loved a boy whom I can admit, I will never stop loving. As pathetic as that might sound to someone else, it’s real. I believe in unconditional love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe that we are all broken. Every single one of us has imperfections, that’s what makes us perfect for one another doesn’t it?

I am becoming an improved version of myself, even if it doesn’t come by 30……no matter the the length of time. So that one day, I can love the way I was meant to love. Because when I do get my chance to love again, the guy will still be hard to love, and so will I…..but at least the foundation will be sturdy.

We all will get to our desired destination at our own pace without age interfering. Don’t be afraid to get older, you’re closer to your purpose than you think.

Don’t rush it ladies (or gentlemen) ……love is after all….patient.

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“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom” -Aristotle

“Love is not a fight, but it’s something worth fighting for.” -Warren Barfield

 

 

 

Author: sheseemstoopuretobepink

Single momma, first grade drama, and Jesus.

One thought on “Three, six, nine”

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