Four years. It has been four years this month since I have had…sex. Whaaaaattttt!? Yes, you read that right people, I have not had sex in four years!
So, since I am being so honest and putting my business out there for ya’ll to read…..the very last time I had sex was with my husband, *cough* ex-husband I had no idea would be the last time I would have sex ….for four years, no idea. So, what gives? Why have I taken this on and allowed myself deprivation of one of the most natural things in the world?
Let’s start with the fact that I realized I had grown an addiction to sex! Yep, an addiction! An addiction to that and well some other things….
Have you ever had an addiction to anything? I had an addiction to coffee. Yup, I realized it about a year ago when I decided to give it up for some health issues of mine and let me tell you, that first month going without coffee was the worst…month…everrrrrr! Ever. I felt as if someone had hit me in the head with a bat. I felt like I had the flu! I did not have the flu. I was having withdrawals and I wanted to climb underneath my desk every day at work and just cry, rocking myself back and forth in a ball. No joke.
So sex is just as intense! I didn’t feel like someone hit me in the head with a bat but I have definitely wanted to cry and scream. I mean, our bodies crave sex just as they crave food. We feel the need to eat and we feel the need (maybe the urge is better wording for it) to have sex. It’s natural! Our bodies have been designed to have sex just as they have been designed to eat. Although if we stop eating we will most likely fall down and die so I can’t completely compare the two but you get the point. Our flesh is alive!
Now, what I am about to mention may not be your cup of tea…..maybe it is….but I gave up sex because one; whelp my sex partner (husband) was no longer there and two; I realized that I was ready to do it with, anyone, anywhere, anytime (that’s not good)…..and three (this is the part you might be scratchin your head on) I wanted to lead a single life of purity. Purity?
Purity? What does that mean? When I was 16 I lost my virginity (officially). I was in love, my hormones were raging, and I had no self control. I did it and I did it a lot for many many years and to be quite honest, I was completely reckless! I wasn’t always protecting myself and I put myself in situations were it was so easy to get caught……I mean broad daylight “people walking by” kind of places (if only myself now could go and slap myself then). I never practiced purity. Purity was no where to be found and was not apart of this world. But I’ve decided I am not apart of this world. I am apart of something bigger, I believe we all are.
As I’ve grown in faith, in age, and have been in the process of learning to love myself more…I have realized that sex is not just physical. Believe me I get it….sometimes you just want the physical. But sex is so much more than that….it’s completely spiritual, emotional, mental.
I was seeing this guy a couple of years ago, this beautiful guy with the most hypnotizing eyes I have ever seen in my life. His entire face seemed as if it wasn’t real…I haven’t even seen a celebrity as beautiful as this guy. I can’t tell you how badly I craved this man, he interrupted my thoughts through out the day, and I thought I was going to go insane. I just need to do it once.
Well, naturally I would put myself in this situation with him where I would stay at his place from night to morning, end up making out and then I would get the heck out of there at 4 a.m. before I would let anything further happen. Why did this guy chose to keep seeing me after this when I would torture the both of us this way? I have no idea! But he told me something once (before the late night to morning shenanigans). He told me that sometimes he wished he could just have an actual sex partner, just one because sleeping with random girls sometimes freaked him out because he had no idea where they’d been.
Of course he enjoyed the sex and didn’t want to stop, and yes he enjoyed the attention, but he wanted to keep just one “sex buddy”. I asked him why he didn’t chose one. He scoffed at me and said “because there is no way a girl can just have sex and not grow some attachment, I don’t need to put myself or some girl through that”. I was kind of annoyed when he said that, I thought, “Um wow- what an ego!” But I later realized he was so right! It wasn’t his ego speaking, in reality, women are this way (and men can be too). I know plenty of girl friends who have been hurt and tormented because of sex, not only because of attachments, but because they woke up feeling dirty, scared, wondering if they’ve become pregnant, afraid they caught something, seeking abortion, looking for the next guy to fulfill their empty void which unfortunately no, we can’t fill that void with a night of sex. There is a deeper root people! We can’t cover it with the band aide of sex….although it feels really really good. Really…..good….(sigh).
Are you someone who is spiritual? Do you put your faith in someone or something? Everyone has some kind of faith in something, even if you think you don’t. For example, I think all of us have faith in chairs, we sit in them knowing that they’re going to hold us right? Some have faith in science, some have faith in people. Everyone one has faith in something. I have faith in Jesus. Because of this, I am able to (most days) fulfill myself with him. It’s not easy, my body craves. But what better way to kill your cravings from anything then to stop feeding it what it craves?
I’m definitely not here to tell you to not have sex or to tell you to believe in what I believe in. But I encourage you, my reader to know why you want what you want and to know why you chose to do what you do. Love yourself and fulfill your heart, your soul, and your mind before you give in to what can cover up whats really underneath…it will only last a moment.
Self Respect, self worth, and self love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value. -Rob Liano
What is within?