She stood at the doorway of his hospital room, standing there hesitantly, waiting for him to wake up. She didn’t know if she should walk in or not, feeling as though he no longer belonged to her, he hadn’t belonged to her in so long, and yet there he was. Afraid and heartbroken not knowing if he would ever wake up, if he would ever forgive her if he did.
She needed to hold onto him in some way- as she already had been after all this time. Physically he was no longer there, but he had never escaped her heart. She wanted to get closer, but didn’t know how.
After a minute of trying to talk herself out of going into his room, she finally built enough courage to take a step into his room. Slowly she took a step towards his bed, one foot after the other. She grazed the bed with her fingertips, moving her hand slowly towards his. Her fingers finally met his, and at the touch of his hand, tears filled her eyes, and rapidly moved down her cheeks.
“Adrian” she whispered. “Can you hear me?” she wiped the tears from her cheeks. She sat down in the chair next to his bed. “Adrian, if you can hear me, I need you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry for how we got here.” She continued to sob and softly placed her hand in his. “I miss you, I’ve missed my best friend. If I could take everything back, I would.” She kissed his hand and laid her head on the bed. She never let go of his hand and continued to sob into her arms.
After a minute, she calmed down, and looked up at him. She observed his face and placed her hand on his cheek, softly caressing it with her thumb. She gently touched his eyes, and grazed his nose and placed her forehead on his. She took a deep breath and then stood up. She took another look at him and kissed his hand again before placing it back down on the bed. Taking another deep breath “see you later” she whispered. She turned around and headed towards the door.
“Ellie.” She heard him whisper her name. She stopped and didn’t have the courage to turn back around and look at him. ‘Did he just say my name’? She thought. “Ellie” he said again. “In case I forget to tell you, I love you.”
Want to know the rest? Want to know the beginning? So do I! Guys and gals; I humbly present to you a little preview of my story. My story is certainly based off of true events, but what is mostly important is what I have learned and continued learning in the process. Regret…regret….regret….and more regret, just like my gal Ellie in the story here. As much as I have learned from my past mistakes, I struggle with moments of “what if’s”. “What if I would have said this”, “what if I hadn’t behaved in that way”, “was this the right career move?”, “I wish I would have figured this out earlier..” and so on and so…..I just want to go back in time and display what I know now to my past self…wah!
Have you ever met an over thinker? You know the kind…..the person who can’t make a choice because for every scenario they have some big story or catastrophe that could be happening behind the scenes or in the end and they never take action upon anything because ultimately they will probably step on a grenade and bam!!!! That’s the sound of them messing up their lives……yeah…..overthinking….I invented it….it’s mine! Doesn’t sound like there is a whole lot of trust going on there does it?
Well, five years ago I lost. I. Lost. Bad. Completely creamed. Well, so one would think anyway. I definitely felt defeated and I totally blamed it on myself, who am I kidding…sometimes the little monster inside of me creeps out and still likes to point the finger at me. I can’t do that anymore…we can’t do that anymore.
Did you know that back in the day people used to get stoned? Nope nope nope, I do not mean that kind of stoned…..I mean….literally….stoned. Like…..with blood and death… you know…stoned? Well, there were these people called The Pharisees, they were pretty self-righteous and looked down on everyone. If you broke a law they put you on blast and took the opportunity to stone people for their wrongs- totally legal thing for them to do. I’ve realize that we all have a tendency to metaphorically stone each other, you know…call out each others wrongs, tell people about others who have broken us, hurt us, angered us, disrespected us, abandoned us, and so on. We also sometimes have a tendency to stone ourselves, some more than others. Why?
How can putting others on blast better the situation? How can blaming ourselves help us go into the past and fix it. It can’t, unfortunately, it just can’t. I am one of those people who are afraid to make a move, I recently made a move that I am already regretting and have been beating myself up over it. Call me crazy, but all it’s been doing is having me act like a “Debbie” (as my good friend called me the other day). Perhaps our faults and mistakes are a stepping stone to who we are supposed to be, where we are supposed to go, and to our ultimate purpose. For every wrong you or someone else has done is one step closer to something right! Hey….even Walt Disney (he whom I look up to in all my Disney geek glory) dropped out of high school, was homeless, laughed at for his ideas, and he now has taken over basically the world! It’s never too late.
Something many of us lack is understanding and compassion. We’re hard on ourselves but we’re also hard on others. Instead of being angry, bitter, or having the urge to “stone” someone else, why not have compassion on them? I make so many errors, maybe not the same kind as my “least favorite person” however, they are still errors, faults, vices, wrongs…and to be honest all I want is a little bit of grace and a little mercy for these wrongs I do. Let’s not be Pharisees people!
Back to my story…I love Ellie! Spoiler alert: Ellie messes up bad and Adrian messes up bad…and they both come to regret their actions. Maybe you regret yours? You might think you picked “the wrong something” or went “the wrong way”- maybe you did or so it looked like at the time, perhaps it was your stepping stone? Ellie and Adrian teach me something in this story; everything and everyone is redeemable, no matter when redemption takes place…it will take place.
No more stoning.
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” -C.S. Lewis
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
And wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, ‘Child lift up your head’
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet”