Eyes Wide…..Shut

So, remember how I realized how ungrateful I am? Yes, weird to admit but I can truly say I am….womp womp.

I do not say this or confess this lightly. Realizing I am ungrateful really sucks, especially since that’s how this all started. How what all started you ask? Welp….how the beginning of my journey started. Remember the high school sweetheart I told you about? Well, he was probably the first one to open my eyes a little. Two days before he left me, we were shopping for new furniture and decor for our home (we finally had some extra money as we were always broke). We had a friend who for privacy purposes we will change her name to Alice, Alice was living with a boyfriend who we will call Tony. Tony and Alice had just bought an enormous house with brand new furniture and all the upgrades. They told us about how they had put a down payment on their house of $20,000.00 and that they would probably be dipping into the same savings account to put another $15,000.00 for a down payment on a pool in the backyard. I asked my friend Alice, “you just have thousands and thousands of dollars like that in your savings account?!” We were in our early 20’s for crying out loud! She looked at me like I was the strange one, “yes…?” she replied.

Remembering that conversation with Alice while at Target with my husband, I felt angry as we were on a tight budget to buy new furniture. There was so much I wanted that I couldn’t have. I kept thinking, “Why don’t we have a lot of money? We work hard. This isn’t fair!”

I eyeballed a chair I wanted to take home but couldn’t, out of anger and frustration I snarled, “If we were Alice and Tony we would be able to take this chair home. Must be nice to be them.” Guys- this wasn’t the first time I had made a comment like this, I constantly made snarky comments like this at my husband, not realizing that it was hurting him. Not realizing that I couldn’t see what I had right in front of me. His response each time would be something consoling, “it’s OK babe, we will get there one day.” Not this time. Nope.

“No Ericka, open your eyes, it’s nice to be us.” I quickly looked at him and realized he was upset, I realized I was being a brat, an ungrateful, unappreciative, brat. I stayed quiet a moment, “You’re right, I’m sorry”. It was at that moment I knew something had to change, but I wasn’t really sure if it was me or something else. But I knew I felt sorry. I also had no idea what would happen two days later. I would be left alone. No husband, more than half my income taken from me, death of my husband’s love for me, and a time frame to leave my home.

Months later I was living back at my parents, found out my husband was having a baby with someone else, and divorce papers were served to me. You would think my losses would have humbled me down wouldn’t you? Nope, they didn’t.

Sure, some who have heard my story can only look at the pain I went through and would try to justify it all out of love for me. Yes I went through a lot of pain, but is there not a point where we stop licking our wounds? Can we keep feeling pain and possibly “never get over something”? Sure we can, no one can tell you when to heal or how long you’re allowed to grieve. No one.

However, there is something to learn through your pain. Learning from a loss is not a loss. Unfortunately, I am barely learning from my losses (4 1/2 years later). Why? I was given something recently that overwhelmed me. What was it? I received something great from complete strangers…..

Tune in again to find out what…..

 

 

 

 

 

Unscramble Scrambled Eggs

Have you ever wondered why exactly you can’t just get your “ish” together? Well….me too! I am constantly, and I do mean constantly chasing my tail! I get myself in a hole while mindlessly taking a stroll and then baaaammmm! Into the rabbit’s hole I go!

Is it inevitable for some people?

Ever see those people who just have it all together ALL THE TIME? I tell ya, I was born and raised in a family far different than me. My parents grew up with struggles and have preserved for the things they have today. They are hard working, Oh, and my sister, my sister is Monica Geller from the show Friends- no, she is not Courtney Cox, but I could have sworn the writer’s met my sister as an adult and then wrote a character just for her. Then, there is me. I think I am a good combination of Ross, Phoebe, and Joey combined! Divorced, whiny, and nothing can seem to go right Ross, flaky and edgy Phoebe, and a sweet, oblivious little dreamer like Joey. Yup- allllll me!

I grew up being afraid of well, growing up. I was my very own “Lost Boy”. I believe by the age of 7 my anxiety of getting older began and with each birthday I grew more and more afraid! I though, “It’s a trap! Who wants to get older? Who wants to pay bills and have responsibilities? I sure don’t! Who am I? Who will I become?! It’s so much pressure!” Yes, I was 7 and began to have these thoughts!

Well, here I am, I am about to be 30 in a couple of months and these are still my questions! Sad eh? Not really. I guess “ish” happened. I was once married. I was married to the absolute love of my life. Interesting enough, I met this love when I was in junior high, being a year older than him I left junior high into high school and did not see him again till the end of 9th grade when he looked “more grown” at a public library where he followed me around the book aisles trying to steal a kiss- he didn’t. I didn’t seem him again until another year and half later when he looked like a “grown hot man”….yes a 15 year old hot “man”.

We started a teenage roller coaster romance. I was absolutely smitten, jealous, annoyed, hormonal, and believe it or not- flat out head over heels in love and I had no idea what to do with it.

Years later, I married this boy, had a child with him, divorced him, watched him sail away with someone else, get re-married, and have more children with this new person, all a while I have been finding myself, and being accused of being a crazy liar. Yes a crazy liar, one who makes up stories about children…..

What in the world? No, I will not disclose the story in this one post. It’s too much! But what is my point today? Perhaps there isn’t one, perhaps today it was necessary for you the reader to know that while you are a hot mess, so am I. So is that person sitting next to you, your co-workers, people at church even. Yes we all are one big hot mess and although today my “ish” isn’t together, and neither is yours, I promise it will get better! It definitely has for me. Have my dreams came true yet? Mmmm, not exactly, but my dear they are coming. It gets better!!!

Rambled enough today. Stay tuned. I promise, it gets better. 🙂

I like purple anyway…

Hello,

My name is Ericka. I am just a girl, did I say girl? I am an adult which I guess makes me a woman…yes a woman 🙂 Soon to be 30 I might add…..(excuse me as I have a  melt down)….

I am here to tell you that I have had my heart torn to pieces, been forced into uncomfortable situations and….oh yeah….I’m a virgin. Did I say virgin? That can’t be right because I’m the mother of my bi logical daughter, and oh yeah….a few years ago I came to realize I became addicted to sex and porn. Yep….I am putting it all out there!

So no, no I am not a virgin, but I have been abstinent now for 3 1/2 years. Yes….abstinent from….. sex. Am I insane?? I sure feel that way sometimes!

This blog will tell my story. My whole story. Like I said, my heart was broken, broken by the love of my life, currently being repaired by a savior, and I am a single momma with a 7 year old who I swear is the soul mate I always wished for. She’s 7 and yet obnoxiously responsible…talk about the yin to my yang, eh?

I’m here to tell you about how anything can be overcome. When my life collapsed, I chose life. This blog is dedicated to my on going journey regarding my faith and how truthfully challenging it can be staying “pure” in a tempting world as well as becoming positive in a negative world, and how trusting others is possible and not at all foolish. Despite all odds, these things, plus much more are entirely possible.

I have experienced the greatness of others and sadly have come to realize how ungrateful I really am. Talk about a reality check!

I will not hold back here- I’m laying it out. Why? Because you are not alone.

It’s all thanks to my relationship with Him. What are you thankful for?